The Depression Prison
Thanks to the inspirational Jess Meyer, yesterday I began The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman, the first book in a fantasy trilogy. And luckily, after 100 pages, I began to have an idea of what was going on. Several months ago, Jess' enthusiasm for the His Dark Materials trilogy made me promise myself that I would check it out. I am almost to the point (I assume) where I can share her delight for the panserbjørne that for now remain my distant imagination.
I made the switch away from Bury My Heart because I just couldn't bring myself to read things that could only get more depressing. Because lately, having no actual responsibility in Chicago, I have been having trouble finding a reason to get out of bed, and making the unconscious decision to simply sleep for far longer than necessary for no reason whatsoever. Some of the people around me think that it's depression, a chemical disorder in the brain. It certainly is likely, but I resisted, and continue to resist, because I hate the idea of giving up control to a drug, or even another person or Persons, if you understand me. So I find myself going from a self-congratulatory good day of getting up at 1pm, to a self-destructive bad day of finding no way out of bed before 3 or 4pm. It doesn't make much sense, my stubbornness. I am too stubborn to seek any sort of medical treatment for the sinkhole I'm in, but at the same time, I am too weak-willed to pull myself out of it on my own.
Part of it came from finding out that I wasn't even being considered for the only job in all my life that I've ever been really excited about. And when you can't get yourself out of bed till the afternoon on a consistent basis, you aren't able to get out there and get things done. And then, sadly, you begin to think that you simply can't get things done, and out comes a stream of self-pity that builds and builds and then the next day why get up at all if you're such a useless person?
But, with determination and patience, friends and family are good at pulling you out of such nonsense, and so you take a step up and realize that if you're not so useless, then you must be just incredibly lazy oh how shameful, but friends and family again, you can make something of yourself if you believe! You can do it!
So, step one begins where you try to make your day start better, in the hope that it will end better. And pretty soon, looking on the bright side, you turn your Starbucks application in to several locations and you get to speak to a manager, and how about that, she schedules an interview. Maybe you're not so useless after all.
And today was actually quite a nice day. And I assure you that it's not my intention to bring heaps of compliments and comforts upon myself, but just to examine and document how I've been feeling the past few days, to better understand the process. For me more than for you.
My dad gave me some nice words when he helped me realize that I wasn't in Chicago to get a job. If I needed a job, I could have stayed home. My real purpose in Chicago is to figure out what I want for myself, and I don't really know what that is, to be honest. But it made me feel better, because even though a job is very important right now, it isn't the ending of the story. And that's what makes the story so much better when we finally get there.
I made the switch away from Bury My Heart because I just couldn't bring myself to read things that could only get more depressing. Because lately, having no actual responsibility in Chicago, I have been having trouble finding a reason to get out of bed, and making the unconscious decision to simply sleep for far longer than necessary for no reason whatsoever. Some of the people around me think that it's depression, a chemical disorder in the brain. It certainly is likely, but I resisted, and continue to resist, because I hate the idea of giving up control to a drug, or even another person or Persons, if you understand me. So I find myself going from a self-congratulatory good day of getting up at 1pm, to a self-destructive bad day of finding no way out of bed before 3 or 4pm. It doesn't make much sense, my stubbornness. I am too stubborn to seek any sort of medical treatment for the sinkhole I'm in, but at the same time, I am too weak-willed to pull myself out of it on my own.
Part of it came from finding out that I wasn't even being considered for the only job in all my life that I've ever been really excited about. And when you can't get yourself out of bed till the afternoon on a consistent basis, you aren't able to get out there and get things done. And then, sadly, you begin to think that you simply can't get things done, and out comes a stream of self-pity that builds and builds and then the next day why get up at all if you're such a useless person?
But, with determination and patience, friends and family are good at pulling you out of such nonsense, and so you take a step up and realize that if you're not so useless, then you must be just incredibly lazy oh how shameful, but friends and family again, you can make something of yourself if you believe! You can do it!
So, step one begins where you try to make your day start better, in the hope that it will end better. And pretty soon, looking on the bright side, you turn your Starbucks application in to several locations and you get to speak to a manager, and how about that, she schedules an interview. Maybe you're not so useless after all.
And today was actually quite a nice day. And I assure you that it's not my intention to bring heaps of compliments and comforts upon myself, but just to examine and document how I've been feeling the past few days, to better understand the process. For me more than for you.
My dad gave me some nice words when he helped me realize that I wasn't in Chicago to get a job. If I needed a job, I could have stayed home. My real purpose in Chicago is to figure out what I want for myself, and I don't really know what that is, to be honest. But it made me feel better, because even though a job is very important right now, it isn't the ending of the story. And that's what makes the story so much better when we finally get there.
posted by Monsterbeard @ 2:24 AM
4 Comments:
At 2:22 PM, February 15, 2006,
Anonymous said…
Hi Chris. Thanks for the Valentine's day message, by the way. I sympathize with your post--I was just thinking this morning about a strange, paralyzing self-doubt that takes over my brain with increasing frequency. A change of scenery or a complete reversal of routine sometimes helps me. Examples: forcing myself to wake up really early and go somewhere I don't usually go (even if it is just a Starbucks or Barnes and Noble in a different town) to work on something; renting a hotel room for a night with the goal of both getting a lot of work done and relaxing; getting out of town or going to a scenic spot in town (like the Ba'hai temple in Evanston, maybe?); seeing a really sad or really good or really interesting movie by myself and then going somewhere to work on things right afterward while I still feel emotional and alive. These things won't solve the underlying problems, of course, but they help me get things done, despite the underlying funk.
At 9:08 PM, February 15, 2006,
Anonymous said…
word chris, i totally understand how you feel. welcome to the last year of my life. i am sorry that you are feeling like that. I have been in an incredibly good mood for since december, and i have found that dancing can improve your mood incredibly. it is a little trick i have learned from Ellen. There is no point in being embarrassed or ashamed and pent up your dancing. Dance for Iorek, Dance for the snow, Dance for the person who just passed you on the street etc. Just dance, it is like this crazy drug of happiness. the most happiness comes when you dance for God. When you dance around your room to your favorite jams and just pray to God and dance in His glory, His mercy, His justice, His goodness, His love, His Son.
don't knock it till you try it.
At 1:50 PM, February 16, 2006,
shorttallnotatall said…
hey chris. i'm sorry you were and maybe are feeling depressed and struggling with how to pull yourself out of it. your dad is right though, about you not being in chicago to get a job, you're there to figure out what it is exactly you want. but i suppose first you have to figure out who you are. in order to do that, you have to figure out how you handle things: success, or failure, or stress, or ease--losing a parking spot, getting an interview, finding the perfect bookstore, getting your wallet stolen--all of those things will help you become more self-aware. and then you can start figuring out what sort of things you want to pursue.
i know it sucks that you didn't get that job you were so excited about, and you know that's something i fear as well (and coming up, too! so soon), but where you are right now is the safest, best place for you. i feel like i say that a lot to people and to myself, but i guess that doesn't make it any less true. i hope not, anyway.
i find that there are two choices i have when i'm feeling depressed: i can avoid it in the hope it will go away, which is the temporary solution, or i can sit in it and figure out why i'm feeling that way. that takes longer, and is more painful, but it's the best solution for me most of the time. it doesn't mean you have to take medicine or go to a counselor, either. finding someone you really trust, or even more than one someone, to talk to is a kind of relief. maybe that will help.
and you're not useless at all. look at your comments so far! you seem to be very important to two sisters and a cat.
At 2:41 AM, February 19, 2006,
Monsterbeard said…
Thank you ladies, for your kind words of encouragement. There is power in vulnerability, as I have seen here. I really do appreciate it.
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