bleep!
I am beyond tired right now. You know the exhaustion where you don't have a center of balance to stabilize yourself? That's me. I am rocking because I don't realize i'm slowly sinking to one side.
I raked leaves for 8 hours today. there were breaks, but not enough. my body hurts.
i am reading steven king's On Writing and it is without a doubt amazing. he is funny and real. the reason i'm reading it is because i once read a quote from it on a blog and i really liked the quote. I'll share it later. shit i feel gross.
goodnight you kings of new england. you princes of maine.
I'm not asleep yet. I can't sleep yet. Do you want to know why? Because it's only 9pm. But soon. Do you want to know what I did between raking leaves and my first post? I took a bath. Baths are great. I really think it's baths and not bathes. Right? I listened to music and read more of On Writing.
Did you know Stephen King is/was an alcoholic? Or should I say substance abuser? I didn't know that. But he is recovering, and as far as I know, has been sober since 1986. And many of his works between 1970ish and 1986 were his inner self dealing with the trauma he was causing. The Shining being the closest echo of his own life.
Speaking of which, I just had a large Maker's Mark and Coke, which was really nice. But only a bit of the Maker's, mostly Coke.
Here is the quote I once read and now want to share with you:
"There were times...when it occurred to me that I was simply repeating my mother's life. Usually this thought struck me as funny. But if I happened to be tired, or if there were extra bills to pay and no money to pay them with, it seemed awful. I'd think This isn't the way our lives are supposed to be going. Then I'd think Half the world has the same idea."
That seems so poignant to me, because it is a way of expressing how I feel, only in a parallel dimension. I have no bills that weigh on me, on my survival, my wife, my two kids. I have no job in a laundry where I make $1.60 an hour. In a million ways I am a million times better off than he was at that point. But that thought, that feeling of our lives not going the way they're supposed to. It's so unexaggerated and so real. It echoes the feeling when I turn 24 and I still live with my parents, unemployed. I can have all the "plans in motion" in the world, with more encouragement than a birthing mother, and it still feels like failure.
I don't mean to bemoan my sorrowful lot in life. I just mean to express the ache when our idyllic dreams end up deferred (That poem is by Langston Hughes).
I am trying to take the leap. I promise.
I raked leaves for 8 hours today. there were breaks, but not enough. my body hurts.
i am reading steven king's On Writing and it is without a doubt amazing. he is funny and real. the reason i'm reading it is because i once read a quote from it on a blog and i really liked the quote. I'll share it later. shit i feel gross.
goodnight you kings of new england. you princes of maine.
I'm not asleep yet. I can't sleep yet. Do you want to know why? Because it's only 9pm. But soon. Do you want to know what I did between raking leaves and my first post? I took a bath. Baths are great. I really think it's baths and not bathes. Right? I listened to music and read more of On Writing.
Did you know Stephen King is/was an alcoholic? Or should I say substance abuser? I didn't know that. But he is recovering, and as far as I know, has been sober since 1986. And many of his works between 1970ish and 1986 were his inner self dealing with the trauma he was causing. The Shining being the closest echo of his own life.
Speaking of which, I just had a large Maker's Mark and Coke, which was really nice. But only a bit of the Maker's, mostly Coke.
Here is the quote I once read and now want to share with you:
"There were times...when it occurred to me that I was simply repeating my mother's life. Usually this thought struck me as funny. But if I happened to be tired, or if there were extra bills to pay and no money to pay them with, it seemed awful. I'd think This isn't the way our lives are supposed to be going. Then I'd think Half the world has the same idea."
That seems so poignant to me, because it is a way of expressing how I feel, only in a parallel dimension. I have no bills that weigh on me, on my survival, my wife, my two kids. I have no job in a laundry where I make $1.60 an hour. In a million ways I am a million times better off than he was at that point. But that thought, that feeling of our lives not going the way they're supposed to. It's so unexaggerated and so real. It echoes the feeling when I turn 24 and I still live with my parents, unemployed. I can have all the "plans in motion" in the world, with more encouragement than a birthing mother, and it still feels like failure.
I don't mean to bemoan my sorrowful lot in life. I just mean to express the ache when our idyllic dreams end up deferred (That poem is by Langston Hughes).
I am trying to take the leap. I promise.
posted by Monsterbeard @ 5:49 PM
1 Comments:
At 11:54 AM, November 13, 2005,
Seth said…
Yes, I know how you feel about lives not going as expected. I also lived with my parents for some time after college, and even now that I'm making my own way in the world, I feel like I should be further along in terms of career and starting my own family. It's all so terribly frustrating.
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