Just Another Manic Monday

Can we speak of the Bible again? For just a moment? Before, when I engineered this hope of revival for myself, I was dedicated to a daily reading of the Bible. But it hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to.

For one, I have not been as disciplined as I'd like to be. In fact, I've been far from it. But more importantly, I was only looking at the Bible as a source of wisdom, not as a source of the everlasting God. I have had more readings of the Bible in the past month than in the past 4 or 5, but in all that time, I have probably felt God once. It stayed a chore, a duty to fulfill. Even though I took the time to read a chapter or two, I didn't take the time to hear. It's almost like Secret of the Easy Yoke, only I'm not the only one. And I pray half-hearted, if I pray at all. And if no one answers, it's because I hung up before they could respond.

And, then, to be honest, even as I'm writing all I can here is "peace, be still." It's like learning that I can't carry the burden I've set for myself. The problem comes when I still see and feel sin, but I don't let someone else carry the weight of my crimes. I accept it as my own and now I'm buckling under it. But I don't know how to give it up.

The problem isn't realizing the need. The problem is not becoming complacent again. This has happened before. But I don't want it to happen again. Let's face facts, part of it is not having a job, not having a daily goal. And part if it is the luxury of no one forcing you to address these things, or giving you an example. I don't know. I am shitting on the page, making excuses. And if you were to talk to me, or try to keep me accountable, I would say "yeah, yeah, whatever." I am asking for comfort, not dedication. What am I getting at?

I don't have more to say. All I have done is expressed a set of ideas as to how I am in relation to God, which is to say, not good.

Here it is expressed in a Relient K song, saying exactly what I want/need to hear, like an optimistic Pedro the Lion:

"It's 3p.m." she said,
I said "You're crazy"
She said "Get out of bed, why are you so lazy? Why waste the day away?"
I said, "Because I'm tired"
"Wendy's called by the way, they told me that you're fired."

Woah oh oh, Woah oh oh
So wreckless for all these years
Woah oh oh, woah oh oh
I crash into a wall
Woah oh oh , Woah oh oh
there's a ringing in my ears
Woah oh oh, Woah oh oh
and it's my wake up call
Jesus gave me a wake up call
oh
take this world with a grain of salt
Jesus gave me a wake up call

"It's 3 a.m." she said,
"Who are you, Matchbox 20?"
She said, "Are you getting rest?"
Sarcastic, I said "Plenty."
"Don't be a hypocrit."
I asked "What are you saying?"
"When you praise God, do you meant it?
Are you sleeping when you're praying?"

The second verse hurts more than the first. It makes me scream "this is me, this is me, please God, bring me peace." And now I am done. And if I haven't made sense, I can take comfort because "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" (Romans 8:26). And then go read Romans 8:37-39, and together we will weep with joy.

All About Reading

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I got up incredibly early and drove home from Athens, where I had Thanksgiving with Talya, her sister, and Colleen. And we watched Friends. And we ate food. And I felt sick.

And now I'm avoiding taking a nap because I feel unjustified in being tired. The truth is that I got enough sleep last night, I just got up several hours earlier than I normally would and I'm not used to it. So I'm trying to stay awake by blogging. But first, read this and remember several months ago. Keywords are Vioxx and Katrina.

Colleen showed us a list of books she had read for the year and it was pretty cool so I decided to make my own list, which I will now share with you. However, I may have forgotten a few at the beginning of the year. Anything that happened more than 3 months ago is hard for me to pin down.

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, by Michael Chabon
The Chronicles of Narnia, by C.S. Lewis
The Thrawn Trilogy, by Timothy Zahn
Harry Potter books Four, Five, & Six, by J.K. Rowling
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, by Jonathan Safran Foer
A Continent for the Taking, by Howard French
The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger
On Writing, by Stephen King
I Am Legend, by Richard Matheson

There are 19 books in the list. Is this a big number? Is it surprising? Why or why not? In On Writing, Stephen King says he reads 50 to 70 books a year, which is kind of insane. That's more than a book a week, and the man is going freaking blind.
I just finished I Am Legend yesterday and it is hardly a novel at all, only about 150 pages. It's about a man who is surrounded by vampires after a terrible plague sweeps the Earth. Not scary, but full of terror in the sense that you hope it never happens to you. I'd like to read 3 more books by the end of the year, but I have so many choices I'm not sure what to pick up next. I'd also like to try and read one fiction and one non-fiction at the same time, but I'm not sure how that will turn out.

This is what I'm thinking of reading:
The Stand, by Stephen King
Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, by Susanna Clarke
The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver
Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee, by Dee Brown

I'd also like to eventually read The Dark Tower Series by Stephen King, but that's like a half a million words at least, and I don't know if I can do that. And I've never read anything by him except On Writing, so I might hate it.

In Bible news, in the past week I have read James and 1 Peter. However, I have missed several days of time with the Lord because I suck. James 4:17 says "Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins" (NIV). Ouch, that burns white-hot. Guilty. I'm also trying to not swear as much, because of James 3 (Taming the Tongue).

Now pretend I'm on NPR and I close by saying "This has been 'All About Reading'" in a smooth radio voice.

Watch as this goes nowhere

Do you know what is a really creepy noise? The creaking of a metal playground on a windy night. I have no idea where the closest playground is from my bedroom window, but let me tell you, right now it sounds like there's one hanging off the window sill, waiting to slip into my room and kill me... with secret playground powers.

Remember that website I talked about? The one where people could share their movies or whatever? Well, it already exists. Actually, I'm sure it already exists in many forms, but here is the form I found today: uPressPlay.com. It's actually really nice because it's free and there is a wide variety of media to examine. I'm not saying if you go there you'll find a great supply of underrated cinema, but you might find something to bring a few laughs. For instance, one of the shorts I found was called "Roni vs. Lincoln" which involved a battle with a zombie Lincoln. I won't judge originality, but any time you get zombies and Lincoln, things are looking up.

Does anyone remember the band Starsailor? They were supposed to be big and then it never happened. I guess the industry can only support so many Coldplayish bands. I am listening to their song "Alcoholic." It is kinda sad.

Let me ask a question of those with iPods. Have you ever encountered adding music to iTunes through either CD or the Music Store, then syncing your iPod with iTunes, only to end up losing songs on both?

Here's what happened. First, all my music was on my iPod, so I downloaded a program called PodUtil which allows you to transfer music from your iPod to your computer (iTunes doesn't allow this). I also added music to iTunes with CDs. Thinking that my iTunes was all set, I used the auto-sync to copy all the music on iTunes onto my iPod, thereby erasing all the music that was previously on my iPod. Then I discovered that a few songs from a few albums had somehow disappeared.

As far as I know, the songs were from all possible locations: CD, Music Store, and mp3. They were, interestingly enough, Tracks 3 and 5 of Sigur Ros's ( ) album, "Low" on Coldplay's X&Y, "Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet", by Relient K from the iTunes Music Store, and a Caedman's Call song I got off the internet. But I have no idea why they disappeared the way they did.

It might be limited to the PodUtil program, or it might be that Apple sucks, which may become more and more true as their music empire continues to dominate.

Sorry this update sucks. Yesterday when I was going to read my bible, I ended up falling asleep. But today I already did, and I found out that Jesus died, then rose from the dead, then told the disciples they had some serious responsibility coming up. Also, you know the controversial moment when "All the people answered, 'Let his blood be on us and on our children!" (Mt. 27:25 NIV)? Well, the New Jerusalem Version makes a point of who said it by reading "And the people, every one of them, shouted back..." Isn't that interesting? Also, what kind of Christian is going to be mad at the people who killed Jesus? That's like being mad at someone who saves you from drowning because they hit you in the face with the floatation device. Am I right? We're glad He died! That's why we call it Good Friday. Can I get an amen?!

The Rabbit Hole

Today I thought: Wouldn't it be great if there was a way to be notified when all the blogs you read were updated? Well there is, but it seems trickier than I can manage. But then I realized, none of us update only a daily basis. Forgive me, I have had my share of binges and purges in blogging, certainly. But it is with disgusting regularity that I check blogs multiple times each day, to no avail. I can manage to click through ten or so links in a 15 minute timespan, but I can't manage to read my bible consistently.

You heard it here first. It has been since thursday, when I read almost to the end of Matthew's journey, that the book was opened before me. Instead, I have been laboriously reading Stephen King, a man whose fiction I have never had the daring to even consider, and yet his nonfiction has my rapt attention.

That is the boring part of this story. This is the exciting stuff:

Over a gnocci dinner tonight, I told my parents how much I hated living at home with them. It mainly consisted of "I hate living here." I certainly don't hate them. I love them, and they have provided me with more needs than I even...well, need. But it's like I was saying before. Living at home lays the foundations of thinking that I am a failed adult.

I am planning on moving somewhere else. Right now my eyes are set on Chicago, America's second city. What I'd like to do is find a job there that somehow involves the creative endeavors of either producing, writing, or editing films on a paid basis. However, I am willing to settle for a paying job in another field if I can also accept a non-paying job in this field. But this is the kind of opportunity I'm talking about. Kind of.

So what does everyone think of Chicago? More opportunity, more people, less people I know, less people I love.

"A chicken in every pot" was originally said by King Henry the IV of France. However, most people today attribute it to Herbert Hoover during the 1928 Presidential Campaign. This is incorrect. King Henry, a champion of the people, supposedly once said "If God allows me to live, I will see that there is not a single labourer in my kingdom who does not have a chicken in his pot every Sunday," only he said it in French.
Herbert Hoover presided over the Stock Market crash that began the Great Depression, which lasted from 1929 until America's entry into WWII in 1941. To be fair, it wasn't his fault. He also had a dam named after him, which was originally called Boulder Dam.

bleep!

I am beyond tired right now. You know the exhaustion where you don't have a center of balance to stabilize yourself? That's me. I am rocking because I don't realize i'm slowly sinking to one side.

I raked leaves for 8 hours today. there were breaks, but not enough. my body hurts.

i am reading steven king's On Writing and it is without a doubt amazing. he is funny and real. the reason i'm reading it is because i once read a quote from it on a blog and i really liked the quote. I'll share it later. shit i feel gross.

goodnight you kings of new england. you princes of maine.

---

I'm not asleep yet. I can't sleep yet. Do you want to know why? Because it's only 9pm. But soon. Do you want to know what I did between raking leaves and my first post? I took a bath. Baths are great. I really think it's baths and not bathes. Right? I listened to music and read more of On Writing.

Did you know Stephen King is/was an alcoholic? Or should I say substance abuser? I didn't know that. But he is recovering, and as far as I know, has been sober since 1986. And many of his works between 1970ish and 1986 were his inner self dealing with the trauma he was causing. The Shining being the closest echo of his own life.

Speaking of which, I just had a large Maker's Mark and Coke, which was really nice. But only a bit of the Maker's, mostly Coke.

Here is the quote I once read and now want to share with you:
"There were times...when it occurred to me that I was simply repeating my mother's life. Usually this thought struck me as funny. But if I happened to be tired, or if there were extra bills to pay and no money to pay them with, it seemed awful. I'd think This isn't the way our lives are supposed to be going. Then I'd think Half the world has the same idea."

That seems so poignant to me, because it is a way of expressing how I feel, only in a parallel dimension. I have no bills that weigh on me, on my survival, my wife, my two kids. I have no job in a laundry where I make $1.60 an hour. In a million ways I am a million times better off than he was at that point. But that thought, that feeling of our lives not going the way they're supposed to. It's so unexaggerated and so real. It echoes the feeling when I turn 24 and I still live with my parents, unemployed. I can have all the "plans in motion" in the world, with more encouragement than a birthing mother, and it still feels like failure.

I don't mean to bemoan my sorrowful lot in life. I just mean to express the ache when our idyllic dreams end up deferred (That poem is by Langston Hughes).

I am trying to take the leap. I promise.

A Drunken Punch-Up at a Wedding

Sorry it has taken so long to continue. Here's the thing: I went to Dayton and on Friday night I had the luxury (and I truly mean that) of reading Matthew 23 to my former housemates while we were preparing for sleep. That was a great moment. Then I missed Saturday and Sunday (again!) but hit the bible up Monday and Tuesday. However, today isn't happening. I'll say that now. I'm tired.

Have you ever been in a wedding? Have you ever been a groomsman? Let me tell you a secret: easy-pie. Easy freaking pie. Do you know what you have to do? Show up. That's it. You get to wear a nice suit, be treated like one of the most important people of the weekend, and then party as much as you want. The hardest part is just standing up in front of all those people for the wedding. It is certainly hard to stand for such a long period of time, and try to look good through it all (not that anyone is looking at the groomsmen. They aren't.). So anyway, drunk at the reception. Drunk at bowling after the reception, and drunk into the late-night donut shop trip as well. You know the best part? It was a great drunk. No throw-up, no blackouts, and a minimal number of people offended (hopefully not an exaggeration). And it was fun! Drunk with friends. Old friends, new friends, and people I'll never see again. At a wedding, it is easy to get pressured into doing another shot of tequila.

Did you know that the Manchester Terrier looks like a miniature version of the Doberman Pincher? Don't believe me? See for yourself.

In Amber Clad

Tuesday: whatever chapters came after Monday. I've been going in two chapter increments. Actually, I might have only read 20 for Tuesday. Let me tell you something: The first section of 20 pisses me off. I mean, it's just irritating in the way that things that aren't fair are irritating. These guys agree to work a vineyard for a denari, and they're going to work all day. But throughout the day, the owner goes and gets guys, more guys every 3 hours or so. And the guys who end up only working one hour still get paid a denari. And the first guys are like, what the heck? Why do they get more? That's not fair. And then the owner says, Didn't you agree to work for a denari? How is it unfair? Or is it that you're jealous of them getting the same as you for less work. Dang it! I hate that. It makes total biblical sense, but absolutely no world sense, which is what makes it so frustrating. I don't want what I agreed to, I want what I earned compared to what the other people earned.

Oh sweet irony, how you never yield.

I'm going to Dayton for a wedding this weekend. You know what that means? Drunkeness. People were talking today and I thought about how hilarious it would be if the ring bearer was just a trained bear. But then Talya said it would be funnier if it was a little kid in a bear suit. Or it may have been that I said the bear suit and she said the bear. I have memory issues. Why don't people make weddings more ridiculous? That's what makes those Star Wars and Star Trek weddings so great. Although, I suppose they don't think about how ridiculous it is. Hmmm. This seems to be a track to nowhere.

This week's Time Magazine has an Op-Ed by Bono in the back. It's not exactly enlightening or anything. It's hardly inspiring. But, some people love their Bono. The cover story is about global diseases, and the map insert is much more interesting than Bono's piece. But that's just me.

I'm going to buy a book called "Naked Economics" by Charles Wheelan, which is supposed to make Economics understandable for those of us without a subscription to the Wall Street Journal. I secretly hope you crack up at that last line. Or should I have said "without a job at the Federal Reserve"? Or "those of us who aren't Allen Greenspan"? Is it Allen? Or Alan? Maybe we should have a contest, where you fill in the blank with the funniest line to finish "which is supposed to make Economics understandable for those of us..." Ooooh, how about "those of us who don't have shit for brains." Hmmm. I think this needs to end.

Oh yeah. I read for Wednesday too, but the funny thing is, I fell asleep after reading chapter 21. So I only read one chapter today too. But at least I read, right? How is everyone else doing?

Crap: Episode One

I failed to read on Saturday or Sunday. Can you believe it? I can. However, after guilt for the weekend, I successfully read my bible for Monday. Matthew 18 and 19. It's really sad when, after Jesus says that you shouldn't divorce except for unfaithfulness, the disciples say "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." (19:10) That makes marriage sound scary.